Put that thing back where it came from or so help me
by Ninja-on-the-run
Summary: So winter break has begun and Christmas is just around the corner. John is ready. Dave is ready. Everything is running smoothly until Dave receives a box in the mail from Dirk. Embarrassment ensues. Light JohnDave, Collegestuck, AU, spin off of my other collegestuck fics. One shot, Christmas contribution to the fandom.


**A/N: Hey y'all! How y'all doing? Ready for Christmas? I am! I'm super excited so I decided to write a fic. Collegestuck once again because one shots are my thing now. So the break has begun and Christmas is around the corner. John is ready. Dave is ready. And Dave receives a present from Dirk in the mail. Embarrassment ensues.**

**I guess this a bit of a spin off of the other JohnDave collegestuck fics I've been writing. I'll make a full length multi chapter one eventually, I promise.**

**Tl;dr: There's a lot of blushing. I hope it isn't too OOC but this is just a fic for fun.**

**Disclaimer is the same; enjoy!**

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On December 23rd, a large box arrives at the apartment of Dave Strider and John Egbert.

Unfortunately, they couldn't travel back to their hometowns because of the lack of money. The economy truly messed them broke college kids. But some of their classmates were staying too in the apartments near campus, as he recently discovered when he dropped by the cafe. Some had family in town, some just wanted to stay in the apartments. Or some just weren't able to travel; like him and John. Their families were on opposite sides of the country.

Besides, Dave tried to see the bright side of it. He was with John. Rose lived a few buildings down. He had friends to hang out with. Friends to spend time with during the holidays.

Even if he missed his older brother like crazy.

That day, Dave wore his bright red Christmas sweater, graciously gifted to him by his step sister, Rose, a few years ago. It still fit him, albeit a little bit big, but that was Rose's purpose. "So it can last years," she told him. The sweater had white snowflakes of different designs and sizes all over it. It took her a while to knit it, running out of the many balls of yarn she had at home, making frequent trips to the store. He wasn't afraid of admitting that he loved it. He considered it one of his favorites.

And as always, Dave wore his trademark shades. Even the winter season can't mess with his style.

John wore a Christmas sweater too. It was navy blue, decorated with small snowmen and light brown reindeer. It used to be his dad's apparently, but soon, it belonged to John.

It suited him well. Blue was John's color. Like his eyes….

Oh right, doorbell.

"I'll get it," Dave called out. He was sitting on the couch, rambling about not being able to shop. John listened to him, even if he was in the kitchen looking for dough.

It was a UPS man. He was a large box.

"Delivery for Dave Strider."

"That would be me."

"Sign here please," he handed a clipboard to Dave.

Dave signed it quickly.

"Thanks man."

"Take care. Happy holidays!" the man said.

"Same to you!"

With a grunt, Dave hauled the box into the living room. Man, was he out of shape. But then again, the box was heavy so whatever.

"What is it?" John asked.

Dave recognized his home address and Dirk's name on the side of the box. "Dirk sent me a box."

He went over to the junk drawer and got a pair of scissors to cut the tape apart.

Once he opened it, he was greeted by the smiling face of no other than Lil Cal himself.

"Oh my god!" Dave jumped back.

"Dave?!" John ran from the kitchen. "Dave, are you okay?!"

"No!" Dave replied frantically. "No I'm not!"

"Are you hurt?!" John asked, running over to him.

Dave pointed to the box. "It's….oh god."

Frowning, John walked over to the box.

And lifted up Lil Cal.

It was a replica of the original Lil Cal puppet Dave grew up being tormented with. The one that always magically somehow popped up when he least expected.

Lil Cal: the bane of his existence.

And it was here. In his apartment. After he thought that he had finally left it for good.

"Dude….It's just a puppet."

"No! Just…..Put that thing back where it came from or so help me!" Dave scooted back, bumping into the couch.

"It's just a puppet," John repeated.

"A puppet? Just a puppet? John, that puppet is Lil Cal, the spawn of Satan himself! He has scarred children and adults alike, for life. His eyes suck your soul out. Completely."

"Dude, it's just a puppet. I doubt he's the spawn of Satan."

"You haven't experienced the torment of having him attack you for 19 years, John."

John rolled his eyes. "You can be dramatic sometimes, Dave. I honestly thought you got stabbed or something," he replied.

"I am not dramatic, John," Dave replied.

"You're on the floor freaking out over a puppet."

That stopped Dave's protests. But he wasn't going to let his best friend win this round.

"We all have fears, John. Do you get afraid when you see your fears?" he asked.

"Whatever," John shook his head and lifted up Lil Cal. "But he does look creepy…."

"You can see some of the light."

"There's a note attached to it," John ignored Dave, turning Lil Cal around and lifting up the piece of paper pinned on the back of Lil Cal.

Written in a light orange pen with neat handwriting, the note was directed at Dave. John read it outloud.

_"Just kidding lil bro. Your actual present is at the bottom of the box with the bow. You know the Strider tradition; don't open till Christmas. I included something for your best friend too. Call me when you receive this, hopefully before the 25th because who knows how UPS does their thing year with snow storms and whatnot. Happy holidays, little brother."_

Dave could feel his embarrassment and face flare up by each second.

So it wasn't Lil Cal. It was just a decoy to mess him up.

John dropped Lil Cal into the box and saw a note written in the same handwriting for him, sticking out of the foam packing peanuts. He knelt down and read it outloud also.

"Hey John, I may not know you, but from what Dave has rambled on and on and on about you, I can tell you're a really cool dude. Thanks for coming into my little brother's life. Happy holidays."

"Aww, that's nice of him," John smiled. He pulled out the rest of the present.

It was a blue smuppet.

"What...in the world?" John lifted a blue smuppet.

Dave felt his face match his Christmas sweater.

Smuppets. The puppets that were around his home his entire life. Serving no purpose other than to creep him out and lay out suggestively. The props for the smuppet videos Dirk made.

"What is this?" John turned it around.

"It's a smuppet. Smut puppet," Dave said, dejected. "My brother's side job is to make puppet pornography," he added. Just then, he realized how weird it sounded.

"It's ironic," he added again, feeling his face heat up. He covered his face with his sleeve.

When has his life gone to this?

Surprising to Dave, John started laughing. A full hearted, honest to God amused laugh. "Wow, didn't see this one coming," he chuckled. "A smuppet. A smuppet."

"John, I am so sorry," Dave apologized.

"No, trust me, it's fine! Honestly, it's actually pretty funny," John replied. "Wow, tell your brother I say thank you. I'm keeping it in my room." He stood up and went to his room.

Dave, who was still on the floor from his earlier outburst, dialed his brother.

"Hello?" Dirk greeted.

"Why must you do this?" Dave asked, his voice strained. It wasn't that he was annoyed or anything. It was just the feeling of embarrassment. He jumped and fell at the sight of Lil Cal. But then again, he gave himself the benefit of having justifiable reasons because anyone would get scared around Lil Cal. Except Dirk of course. But that's because Dirk was weird and he knew it.

"I love you too, little brother," Dirk replied, the smirk obvious.

"Lil Cal is horrifying."

"Hey don't be talking smack about him. Lil Cal 2.0 is equally as radical as Lil Cal. Which is exactly why I sent him to you."

"Dude, you should've given me a heads up though."

"You would've given me a fake address."

That part was true.

"Speaking of it, you sent John a smuppet. Why exactly?"

Dirk laughed. "How did he react?" he asked.

"He started laughing and said to thank you for the gift. Apparently, he's keeping it in his room, the weirdo," Dave replied.

"Oh, he's no weirdo. He's a keeper, Dave," Dirk said nonchalantly.

Dave's face turned a bit more red.

"Why a smuppet?" he asked.

"I needed to test something. See if he's cool with with the Strider irony."

"Dude, he lives with me. He's already used to it."

"I approve."

"Approve of what?"

"Nothing of importance. I got him a gift though. It's at the bottom of the box, blue wrapping."

"That's really cool of you." And it was. It was a nice thing for Dirk to do for someone he barely knew. "You didn't have to."

"It's no problem, Dave. It's the least I could do. You seem more happier with him in your life."

Dave smiled a little bit. "I mean, yeah. Aside from you, Roxy and Rose, he's one of the few people that puts up with me."

"He truly seems like a great person."

"He is," Dave admitted.

Then he remembered what Dirk had written on John's note.

"And I do not ramble on and on and on about him," he added defensively.

"Sure you don't."

"I don't. I don't ramble about him."

"Oh yeah, look at the bottom of the box. I added something too."

Dave crawled forward on the khaki carpet to the box, shuddering a bit as he tossed Lil Cal 2.0 to the love seat. He propped his phone onto his shoulder as he dug in the packing peanuts. "What is it? Another smuppet?" he asked sarcastically.

"Just keep looking," Dirk said.

Dave raised an eyebrow and continued digging through, some of the packing peanuts falling onto the floor. He spotted the two wrapped boxes, red and blue, the presents his brother had mentioned.

"I only see the two presents. What am I exactly looking for?" he asked.

"It's not wrapped."

With that hint in mind, Dave saw a large plastic ziploc bag and pulled it out.

"Why did you send me a bag?" he asked, puzzled.

"Look closer."

Dave did. And he realized what was in the bag.

It was mistletoe.

"Dude...It's…..mistletoe," Dave replied.

Just then, he realized what Dirk meant behind it. Why he specifically sent it to him. It wasn't to mess with him. Oh no. It wasn't for the irony. It was for the intent. For the reminder.

Dirk knew.

He knew of the school girl like crush Dave had developed on John. Even if Dave didn't word it like that to him.

Dirk knew.

And Dirk was using it against him.

"I…"

It was a big brother move of him and he knew it.

"You know who to use it on," Dirk said cheekily.

Dave could practically see the smirk and the wink and feel the brotherly elbow nudge in his side from Dirk. Even if he was all the way down South and Dave was in the West Coast. Brother telepathy.

Or just feeling the embarrassment and being caught in the headlights.

On the phone.

"Um…." Dave's face turned into a deeper shade of red. At this rate, he was going to pass out for sure. Thank God John wasn't in the room at the moment. Or Dirk. Especially Dirk. The teasing would be endless.

"Happy holidays, little brother."

Dirk hung up, leaving Dave clutching the bag of mailed mistletoe, blushing deeply and wondering just when his life had turned upside down.

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**A/N: This was so much fun to write. I wrote this in a day yo. A day. I am so proud and happy. I have another fic in the works also but this one was more faster for me to write. Well, I hope you all have some happy and merry holidays! I love you! Have a great rest of the holidays and hope you all have fun!**

**Thank you for reading! Reviews would be a great present to give!**


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